Here’s to 2013 a Thank You from me to you

This year was filled with so many kind people, I know I could not have made it through without you!

Most of the year I was here

 

Toothaches, kidneys and near death oh my!

From the local elementary school I caught a cold I thought was the flu

Until the flu invaded and taught me the error of my assumption.

 

You were always there for me though.

 

Through the silence of my madness you were the perma-lift supporting my recovery!

 

I felt the beauty of your support and thank you all!

The highs and lows of my writing were celebrated and sympathized by all, I thank you for showing me

 

There were letters ending in Thank you, Best of luck, Best regards and my favorite Warm regards (not being sarcastic). I completely felt warmly regarded

and sallied forth with my writing career, eventually pulling a rabbit out of my hat.

 

I was ecstatic to add playwright to my resume

 

Okay, it wasn’t quite Shakespeare but I felt the love nonetheless!

Thank you DYSPLA,

Decoding Dyslexia and many others

for ending the year with a bang!

 

There were parties I went to and new people I met.

 

There were great e-mails and new friendships made

 

You will find us on life’s pier saluting the naysayers Braveheart style

 

With the year at an end, I have plenty to look forward to.

There are several projects on my table, some may cost me my life

Others may only leave me hungry.

All in all, I am looking forward to 2014 and all mayhem these projects will bring.

Hope to see you there,

 

DyslexicWhisper

 

 

Calling All Grammar Nazis and Kind Perfectionists

You, yes, you. The ones that read my work and think, goodness how did she miss that?  Thank you for your kindness! Despite the errors you have followed, commented, liked and support me!

In my experience, people know I am dyslexic and overlook these imperfections. I also know there are those that read my work, and, like an itch that cannot be reached they suffer from the grammatical, punctual and misspelled typos. Bless your hearts for coming back despite the itch.

This is a call to action, a way of letting you know I don’t want you to suffer. Even though you’ve been wonderful thus far.

I am offering you a lifetimes supply of my all-purpose Grammar Cream! So, go on, sooth that itch! It works with any error found throughout my blog. That’s right, every page!!

If you read my work and find an error, whip out that cream and feel free to leave a comment. I find people that read my work to be very kind. They are wonderful people who have laughed along with my goofy posts and appreciate it unconditionally. That being said, I know there are people out there that see what I cannot. This cream is for you my friend!

I do understand that my writing can be riddled with errors. I’m not suggesting to edit everything. But, if you come across something that gnaws at you by all means put it in the comments. Trust me when I say, I will remember an editor that ‘gets’ me, when my latest manuscript is ready. Or, a friend that needs help promoting their work.  Go ahead and pick as many errors as you must, in order to sooth your itch. Even if you shyly pick the one that irritates you most, I will not only change said error but be grateful as well.

So, dig in and then sit back while I look through the corrections and face palm in multiple aha moments. I love you all for the wonderful support you have showered on my writing. But, I would like to let you know I have incredibly thick skin (that unfortunately never has this itch).

Who am I kidding, you will need enough! Love you all!!

If you are one of the lucky professionals that work as an editor, feel free to leave your information and links in the comment section.

~Dyslexicwhisper

Passwords, Captchas and the blood of a virgin!

SO, I have scoured the internet and landed on a blog worthy of my time. Worthy of being e-mailed directly to my inbox. Maybe even worthy of  adding to my tool bar! THAT worthy!

I am seconds from unlocking the wisdom of others. Uncovering the truths that elude me.

They assure me, with just a couple of easy clicks, I will be a priority member of this amazing cult blog. The blog police just have to make sure I am human. Insert captcha request.

OUT COMES MY INNER DYSLEXIC NINJA!

I’ve got this!

SCPAIVI    …. No ….

No worries. I come at it full force!

….. 

SCUMMY …. NO!…. Shit! I regroup… and focus…

 ….    

SCRUMDILLIUMPTIOUS …..NO!!……  Now I’m lost!

I start looking for words in the dictionary, thesaurus and Holy Bible.

I question myself… always wondering…if the blog really is ALL that it claims to be?  if so, why must I suffer to obtain this information? Is this an academic club that will forever be out of reach?

I pull out all the stops and find the unstoppable true ninja within. Giving it one last try.

     

…. SCRAM …..

The world unlocks!

  Everything within reach.

…..AFTER I verify my email! WHAT?!?! Really!

Easy enough. I go to my email account. Clever dyslexic that I am, I bypass the “sign in” page because I store the ID and password on my computer that  my horrific memory cannot. Only to be denied once again.

Not me! Dyslexic Ninja to the rescue!

My ID comes easy enough. I start to type and the computer remembers the rest.

The password is a different story.

I search my memory for what was going on in my life around the time of the last password change. I try: CHOColate …. An error message comes up saying this is not my password.

I think and revise to: CHOColateNOW! Nothing…

I try: FoCusGrAsShOpPeR

… Not a chance!   The computer helpfully reminds me I changed my password 36 days ago.

I give the computer a mental B***H SLAP! And press the “Forgot your password” option.

The computer gives me the choice of answering three of my six secret questions. SCORE! I got this, right?!?! I mean these questions were chosen by me and they are about me. How can anything go wrong?

The first choice: What is your favorite color.

Lock. Load. Fire! Green, baby! My favorite color is green! Two to go.

I scroll to choose the next question.

My other options: What was your third grade teachers name?

My third grade teacher. hmmm. Did I even know how to spell her name then? And if I get the right spelling do I need to capitalize the first letter?

NEXT!

What color panties are you wearing?

My panties?!? I’m wearing my Tuesday panties! But… Was it Tuesday when my sarcastic ass thought of this question??? Skip!

Who was your childhood best friend?

What was your first pet’s name?

And finally, How much wood can a wood chuck chuck?

My mind starts to race, my hands clammy.

I go for the best friend question and type in her name. Nope! Wait! What? Oh yeah, I used her nick name. I spell out Samwisegamgee, not seeing the humor that I am sure had me rolling when I made this brilliant decision 36 days ago!

After the sadistic image of me kicking a wood chuck races through my mind, I enter my childhood pet’s name. O’Guy.

I am taken to the password changing page. After filling the requirements that my password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin

   

I gather these necessary elements for the complex new password and am finally redirected to the much anticipated holy grail of blogs, I anxiously await the first topic:

101 writing tips!

ARGHHHHHH!

I think I owe a virgin an apology!

~Dyslexicwhisper

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic! Ha!! I love this. It is me through and through.

When I tell someone I am dyslexic they often say, “So you read and write things backwards.” This does not come out like a question. The fact that people can put any of what dyslexia is about into words is a good thing. Personally I am more of an inside out perspective. Lemons inside out is Melons. This is me.

I recently tried explaining what it is like for me to edit my work. When I visualize editing something I have written, a meat tenderizer always comes to mind.

You see, I write something and reread it. To the best of my ability my work will pass my inspection. I will then let it “rest” for a while and go back for a once over  later. When I do (this is where the meat tenderizer comes in) I pulverize my work. I will say to myself, that doesn’t sound right. I will recognize the missing word and type it in. Now, say the missing word is LEMONS , easy enough fix, right? Wrong.

I will look at my freshly typed word and think, that doesn’t look right.

I will modify LEMONS with my favorite writing tool the all important meat tenderizer. Reworking until Life itself will question the sanity of placing LEMONS in my care.

I will then ask someone around me to spell it, matching the letters one by one. This always takes two times through the word. I will then ask my appointed speller if they are sure. And, for some twisted fate in life they’re always positive.

I will come out of said revise with Melons and shake my fist at the Gods Of Revision.

In the end I am left with life giving me one more of those extra Melons. I quickly take it away and put it with the mountains of other Melons life has given me.

Now compound that one word into a whole manuscript of words and add in punctuation. Eventually winding up here.

Some people, when asked what they want most in life, will answer with things like happiness, peace of mind. Not me. My wish would be for an editor or a beta reader. You see the definition of peace of mind for me would be to spell the word Lemons and know without a doubt that it is in fact Lemons staring back at me. As for happiness? Well, all I can tell you is when life hands out Lemons I always get Melons and who wouldn’t be happy with an endless supply of Melons!!

Writing Writing Tips For Less Knowledgeable Writers Is Supposed To Help Me Reach My Target Audience?

If you ask how to drive traffic to your blog the answer is almost always the same. Provide something of value to your potential reader. This is always followed by writing tips.

The blog I’m supposed to write. 101 writing tips.

The underlying point of a writer blogging about the rules of the trade is (according to other successful authors): To gain traffic so people will find out about and buy your book. There are SO many of these blogs it is mind boggling. But when an author blogs about writing tips and then spams a million “buy my children’s book” tweets, I get confused.

My question: Why would you think that your future readers are other writers? Sure, writers usually love reading but they are not your target audience.

Don’t get me wrong, I love reading about writing tips. I have grown as a writer because of those tips and I need them. But my novel is geared towards  young adults. Shouldn’t I be trying to get the fans of bands like One direction to read my blog?? I am a young adult author, they are young adults, that would seem logical to me.

The answer is no, leave “One Directioners” alone and concentrate on your genre or purpose.  (Trust me, unless you are One Direction, trying to sell your auto-biography, these fans are NOT interested, no matter what you blog about.)

Am I the only one who sees a flaw in the “writing tips” method? Personally, I value creative over perfect only because I cannot always see your mistakes (being dyslexic me) but I can immerse myself into your cleverly written world. (And, if you break the rules of writing for a clever, creative purpose, I will immediately consider you a kindred spirit.)

Now, if the purpose of writing tips is to attract your peers than this is a very effective method. But, if you are looking for your target audience, know who they are and what they like. Theme your blog around those guidelines because I bet their not interested in writing tips. Then tweet about your blog and have that lead them to your book.

For example: Say your novel’s genre is paranormal, I would include something like this link:

Most Haunted Real Places http://inventorspot.com/13_real_haunted_places?page=0%252C1

Gain interest in your novel by immersing your audience in what they love. Take them on a virtual tour that will scare the shit out of them. Or treat them to a bit of the urban-legend that prompted you to write your sure-to-be best selling thriller. If you make it clever I assure you, your readers will periodically check back in to see where else you can take them. Eventually they WILL by your book.

If they love romance and your novel is just that, then maybe an article about relationships, or, if you wanted me to buy your book/read your blog, include this picture. I assure you I will buy whatever this man is selling!

If you are writing a non-fiction about something like gardening, a link like this may be of interest to your reader: http://www.garden.org/

http://www.garden.org/regional/report/arch/inmygarden/4318

These people are dying to know how others get carrots to grow in the desert. Keep your blog about gardening and leave out the writing tips. Who knows, you may even attract the interest of people behind said link, prompting them to mention your work. Credible website says buy your book, sounds like marketing gold if you ask me!

Whatever your genre create a buzz of awesome information, immersing your target audience in what they love. It makes sense and gives your blog purpose. This is what I will be doing as my writing career eeks along.

If you have a manuscript and are trying to attract the illusive agent/publisher, make your blog samples of your writing style. Focus on your strengths.

If you are like me, you are learning as you go. A blog about writing is not only appreciated but necessary. But if your tweeting “buy my book” and making everyone mad, I suggest writing a blog that sparks an interest for your target audience. Then you can tweet about your latest posts and sell some books based on the creative and vast knowledge of your genre. This can save a LOT of wasted time. Not to mention the Twitter Police will stop writing “what not to do” articles (that really are true, sorry to say) about you.

I have accomplished a great many goals with this blog. For me it serves a multitude of purposes. I look forward to doing some creative posts about my up and coming genre, adding randomly to  my writing portfolio and connecting with individuals/groups with common interests.

I wish you all the best and hope you enjoyed my cleverly disguised (must have) post about writing tips. LOL ~Dyslexicwhisper

Sexy music to work out to (and others)

If I am going to work out I need to feel one of three things: Empowered (these are usually man hating songs, go figure because I am anything BUT a man hater. I rather like the buggers), Sexy (my sexy and everyone else’s sexy I am sure are two different things), Dance (not the arms bent elbow wiggling dance, no, this is the expel you from your prom, eject you from the concert or club, be it sexy or mosh or take over the dance floor kind) Rave, 80’s, metal, or man hater this is what will pass that hour or two.

So in no particular order I will let you in on my psyche. Keep in mind what ever I come up with probably will not reflect the sweaty struggling mess you would see if you walked in on this routine.

• Bad Romance… Lady GaGa
• Poor Some Sugar Me… Def Leppard   … Because in the back of my mind I can still mold my tired ass into a hot Def Leppard music video model.. um, okay, waaay back in my mind (and I think plastic surgery may have influenced this thought)
• Rag Doll… Aerosmith     … Aerosmith rocks this list!
• Pink… Aerosmith
• Freak On A Leash… Korn  … Why? IDK myself, but yes this works for me
• Hey There Delilah… Plain White T’s   …. I forgot this category, it’s the lower your heart rate you little fool, what were you thinking trying to work your slug of a body to Korn Category?!?
• No More Tears… Ozzy   … This seems to be an all purpose song for me, and why shouldn’t it be? It is That awesome!
• I’m Sexy and I Know It… LMAFO   … At this point in my workout I need to smile (or give up) and this song brings on the smile…. wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle lol
• Welcome To The Jungle… Guns N Roses
• Rolling In The Deep… Adele   … She is awesome
• Come Undone… Duran Duran   … Once again feeling like my heart is going to explode on my elliptical machine is a scary place to be, so insert this song, plus it makes the sexy list
• Sweet Child of Mine… Guns N Roses   … At this point I am at a cross road in this grueling workout and I will keep going through this song just to hear it which in turn gets me over that give up feeling.
•  Rolling In The Deep… Adele
• Pump It… Black eyed Peas
• Shakira… Shakira   … Sexy
• Talk Dirty To Me… Poison   …. Yes please
• Cum On Feel The Noize… Quiet Riot
• Love Bites…   Deff Leppard   … Yes please
• I remember You…. Skidd Row   …I love Hair band Ballads (I think this is one, if not I love Hair band songs like this. lol)
• Whenever, Whenever… Shakira   … What is Not sexy about Shakira?
• Say My Name… Beyonce
• Desire… U2   … That’s Hot!
• Pink… Aerosmith   … This band and almost everything they sing.

So thinking on Aerosmith I can say that I could listen to any album through and it would keep me going. The next few are Albums.

• Areosmith…  Nine Lives, A Little South Of Sanity. Lovin Steve
• Ozzy Osbourne…   No More Tears. This Album is Musical Genius
• U2…   Go Home Live From Slane Castle Ireland (the movie) serious poundage has been lost to this movie!
• Tool…   Undertow   Love IT!
• Pink… Misunderstood
• Dixie Chicks… Wide Open Spaces, Fly… Lol had to go all country but it’s great girl power stuff
• Candlebox…   Candlebox
• Boston…   Rock And Roll Band
• Shakira…   Laundry Srvice, love it!

AND For the last song in each workout I have to listen to Billionaire by Travie Mccoy and Bruno Mars because if I were, I could just get surgery and be done with it.

There are many more I am forgetting but this list will see me through

I sold my soul to promote my blog! LOL

I often surf through blogs looking for the funny or different. When I came across one that’s owner was promoting other blogs (as long as they told a personal and embarrassing story) I had  to submit. One because I love the traffic and feedback. Another because I have so many of these stories, why the hell not!

So here is my entry to said blog promoter:

I love to fish! I spent the better of one year (a while ago) driving down the remote levees looking for great spots, often stopping.

Now, if you have ever fished in the middle of nowhere you are aware of how inventive you have to be when you have to go to the bathroom.

So, I am in my overalls and white tank-top soaking up the sun in a very remote part of our glorious country, trying my luck at the ever elusive striper, when I had to go. I look up and down the bare levee with no luck for shelter, unless I walked back to the road where it was lined with sparse trees. Up I go.

When I get to the top I realize the road across the river is quite busy, therefore, my only choice is now the cab of my truck. But that’s alright, right? It was a road that was almost never used, I should be safe.

Off go the overalls, after I find a container. … I just sold my soul to promote my blog…. ha ha ha… ANYWAYS, off go the overalls, and as I am doing my business a very sleek bicyclist rides past looking straight in on me. Oh, wait, what was that? A number on his back?!??! NOT one bicyclist but a WHOLE marathon of these fools! URGH! In groups of twos and fours these men rode past, everyone getting an eye full of my personality.

Query This!

I have always wanted to start my query letter off with: Dear Query Gods. Because lets face it, that’s how it feels.

Dear Query Gods,

Thank you for being out there to glance at my plea. It has taken me twice as long to write this as it did the novel, but that is okay because I understand that each Query God needs to be worshiped in a different way (by the way your non-gimmicky churro of the month basket should begin next month). I know your time is precious so I made sure to write something that will make you rich and famous. I know you are the right Query God for the job because I follow you, I mean I subscribe to your facebook page and follow you on twitter. I feel like I am your number one stalker, I mean fan, having read every one of your tweets about your cats and their daily routine. By the way, did I mention my protagonist is a cat?

I humbly submit my risky manuscript. If I play my cards right you may just write me back telling me no, in no less than 500 different ways. But that is alright because every time my spam filled e-mail shows a response from one of you, my heart starts pounding, and that is enough to hook me like a crack addict.

What is my book about, you want to know? Well, let me tell you. No better yet why don’t you tell me what you want my book to be about and I will start fresh, because I read so many novels that are such crap, yet still get published, that I am confident I can be your stooge if given half the chance.

My credentials you ask? Let me get out the list… Sorry, I had it on the back of a Target receipt and must have tossed it out. Oh, no, wait, I have none! If I seriously had the kind of credentials that would win me a book deal wouldn’t you be writing me this letter?

I would have liked to tell you more but my word count is already up there, risking rejection by a glance. So please, we have strained the alphabet enough. Can’t wait to hear from you, I can tell your as eager about this as I am.

Yours (not in an over friendly, not in an unfriendly way)

Kellee

farr.kellee@gmail.com

1-800-your-stooge

@greatbigimpressivetwitterlink

666 sold my soul dr.

Songs that help me write, sorry Steph there’s no Muse

1. I Love You ~ Climax Blues Band.  “Oooooooooo I want you.” hell yeah he does!
2. Original Sin ~ Elton John. I shouldn’t but I did, it’s a guilty pleasure thing – and I am ALL about it!
3. Baby Come Back ~ Player. Although I must look up “False Bravado”  lol, Just did (it’s his swagger) AWESOME
4. Really Love To See You Tonight ~ England Dan and John Ford Coley. Keep it light, the way things should be.
5. Sister Golden Hair ~ America. Same theme as last, love it!
6. Escape ~ Rupert Holmes. This song cracks me up. Ha ha! He’s tired of his lady, lol (If you have half a brain) TOO funny!
7. No Rain ~ Blind Melon. Ha ha this is my life
8. Right Down The Line ~ Gerry Rafferty. The ultimate song to sing to your girl! Damn this is a GREAT one!!
9. Make it with you ~ Bread. Love the song and it happens to be sung by my favorite food – need I say more?
10. Sober ~ Tool. 
11. Mandy ~ Barry Manilow. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!! lolololl, shrug
12. Everything I own ~ Bread.
13. No More Tears ~ Ozzy Obourne. Because I am ALWAYS going forward in reverse.
14. Gypsy ~ Fleetwood Mac. Love Stevie Nicks!! 🙂 And really ANY Fleetwood Mac!
15. How Deep is Your Love. Bee Gees
16. More Than A Woman ~ Bee Gees
17. Dancing Queen ~ ABBA.
18. Rolling in the Deep ~ Adele. Ha ha don’t mess with her!
19. Take A Chance On Me ~ ABBA.
20. Bakers Street ~ Gerry Rafferty.
21. Sailing Away ~ Christopher Cross. Love this one!
22. Landslide ~ Stevie Nicks. Nicks is one of my ALl time favorites!
23. Hey There Delilah ~ Plain White T’s. I want to be Delilah!
24. Annie’s Song ~ John Denver . lol, once again, Don’t you judge me!
25. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues ~ The great Elton John
26. Daniel ~ Elton John.
27. She’s Always A Woman To Me ~ Billy Joel.  I LOVE love love Billy Joel!
28. Just The Way You Are ~ Billy Joel. Once again the man spills genius
29. Danny’s song ~  preferably Anne Murry but Kenny Loggins pulls it off .
30. Mathew ~ John Denver. It’s a childhood thing 😉
31. This Old Guitar ~ John Denver
32. Country Roads ~ John Denver
33. Four Seasons ~ Vivaldi. Although it is hard not to conduct.
34. The Best of Times ~  Styx. Any time is the best with this in the background!
35. Separate Ways ~ Journey.  Journey is good ALL the way through! Once again almost ALL of Journey will work!
36. Amazing ~ Areosmith.  Love Steven! Sooooo many great concerts and brilliant songs!
37. Desire ~ U2.  What song don’t I like from U2?… I LOVE them ALL!
38. U2
39. Tom Petty
40. Vivaldi
41. Ozzy
42. Areosmith
43.  Enya
44. Josh Groban          These last few I can listen everything they do and be inspired to write! LOVE them!

What music inspires you??

Dyslexic Indie Writer Seeks Holy Grail

I need an editor. I found one that seemed not only a wizard at his craft but advertised to the indie writer. I read into his world and found some posts with character.  I LOVE character! It may have been a risk but I found myself writing in the tone of my personality, instead of the straight forward request the professional world demands.

I found myself smiling as I wrote it. I then chose to send it out into the world, hoping to find more people like the one that thought of having Google write, “SNAP! something went wrong, we are looking into it” (or something similar) in the center of your computer screen when all your programs shut down, in the middle of an important search.

So, here is my risky letter. We will see if I get a response.  Note the link to my twitter site that has a link to this site. If Mr. Editor finds and reads this, I want him to know that I am green with envy at the fact that he can even have a favorite way to use punctuation. This along with many other literary marvels will forever be out of my reach. I stand in awe.

Mr. …….,

I am a dyslexic, indie author with a complete manuscript, looking for a guide to finish my “journey of creation.” I mention dyslexia because this will account for errors that others would catch. I have had people I know proof read my manuscript, along with my best friend Microsoft Word. It is time to pull out the big guns. So, Mr. ……., will you be my big guns?

Oops, I’m jumping the gun. I am interested in information on your fees and would love to have you look at the first 1500 words, so that you might give me an idea of just how big my guns have to be, and how much this weaponry may cost.

I have other projects and would love to form a working relationship with someone I can trust. This particular novel, Old Soul, is a 100,000 word, young adult, paranormal romance.

You may have read this e-mail, excitement building with such promising words like “indie author,” the same emotional draw for the constant little “I haven’t a clue” that is written between every line, and thought, “Score! She MUST be a millionaire, sign me up!” Sadly, I must let you down here and reveal my “starving artist” status. But I ask, who wants to be a millionaire? I do! And I am looking for a few good people to kick the rocks with, on the trail of my journey to greatness.

One final note: I am often going forward in reverse on this rocky trail. It’s the dyslexic’s way. This may look weird but it is never boring.

Hoping this will work out,

Kellee Farr

You can go to https://twitter.com/dyslexicwhisper for a preview of my world.

So there it is, this is the world I want to live in. Through all my years I have met the most amazing people. The ones I connect with, the ones I would like in my life are the ones that love to smile. Would you have sent this? I would like to know why or why not.