SO, I have scoured the internet and landed on a blog worthy of my time. Worthy of being e-mailed directly to my inbox. Maybe even worthy of adding to my tool bar! THAT worthy!
I am seconds from unlocking the wisdom of others. Uncovering the truths that elude me.
They assure me, with just a couple of easy clicks, I will be a priority member of this amazing cult blog. The blog police just have to make sure I am human. Insert captcha request.
OUT COMES MY INNER DYSLEXIC NINJA!
I’ve got this!
SCPAIVI …. No ….
No worries. I come at it full force!
SCUMMY …. NO!…. Shit! I regroup… and focus…
SCRUMDILLIUMPTIOUS …..NO!!…… Now I’m lost!
I start looking for words in the dictionary, thesaurus and Holy Bible.
I question myself… always wondering…if the blog really is ALL that it claims to be? if so, why must I suffer to obtain this information? Is this an academic club that will forever be out of reach?
I pull out all the stops and find the unstoppable true ninja within. Giving it one last try.
…. SCRAM …..
The world unlocks!
Everything within reach.
…..AFTER I verify my email! WHAT?!?! Really!
Easy enough. I go to my email account. Clever dyslexic that I am, I bypass the “sign in” page because I store the ID and password on my computer that my horrific memory cannot. Only to be denied once again.
Not me! Dyslexic Ninja to the rescue!
My ID comes easy enough. I start to type and the computer remembers the rest.
The password is a different story.
I search my memory for what was going on in my life around the time of the last password change. I try: CHOColate …. An error message comes up saying this is not my password.
I think and revise to: CHOColateNOW! Nothing…
I try: FoCusGrAsShOpPeR
… Not a chance! The computer helpfully reminds me I changed my password 36 days ago.
I give the computer a mental B***H SLAP! And press the “Forgot your password” option.
The computer gives me the choice of answering three of my six secret questions. SCORE! I got this, right?!?! I mean these questions were chosen by me and they are about me. How can anything go wrong?
The first choice: What is your favorite color.
Lock. Load. Fire! Green, baby! My favorite color is green! Two to go.
I scroll to choose the next question.
My other options: What was your third grade teachers name?
My third grade teacher. hmmm. Did I even know how to spell her name then? And if I get the right spelling do I need to capitalize the first letter?
What color panties are you wearing?
My panties?!? I’m wearing my Tuesday panties! But… Was it Tuesday when my sarcastic ass thought of this question??? Skip!
Who was your childhood best friend?
What was your first pet’s name?
And finally, How much wood can a wood chuck chuck?
My mind starts to race, my hands clammy.
I go for the best friend question and type in her name. Nope! Wait! What? Oh yeah, I used her nick name. I spell out Samwisegamgee, not seeing the humor that I am sure had me rolling when I made this brilliant decision 36 days ago!
After the sadistic image of me kicking a wood chuck races through my mind, I enter my childhood pet’s name. O’Guy.
I am taken to the password changing page. After filling the requirements that my password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin
I gather these necessary elements for the complex new password and am finally redirected to the much anticipated holy grail of blogs, I anxiously await the first topic:
101 writing tips!
I think I owe a virgin an apology!