I have always wanted to start my query letter off with: Dear Query Gods. Because lets face it, that’s how it feels.
Dear Query Gods,
Thank you for being out there to glance at my plea. It has taken me twice as long to write this as it did the novel,
but that is okay because I understand that each Query God needs to be worshiped in a different way (by the way your non-gimmicky churro of the month basket should begin next month).
I know your time is precious so I made sure to write something that will make you rich and famous.
I am confident you are the right Query God for the job because I follow you, I mean I subscribe to your facebook page and follow you on twitter. I feel like I am your number one stalker,
I mean fan, having read every one of your tweets about your cats and their daily routine.
By the way, did I mention my protagonist is a cat?
I humbly submit my risky manuscript. If I play my cards right you may just write me back telling me no, in no less than 500 different ways.
But that is alright because every time my spam filled e-mail shows a response from one of you, my heart starts pounding, and that is enough to hook me like a crack addict.
What is my book about, you want to know? Well, let me tell you. No better yet why don’t you tell me what you want my book to be about and I will start fresh, because I read so many novels that are such crap, yet still get published, that I am confident I can be your stooge if given half the chance.
My credentials you ask? Let me get out the list… Sorry, I had it on the back of a Target receipt and must have tossed it out. Oh, no, wait, I have none! If I seriously had the kind of credentials that would win me a book deal wouldn’t you be writing me this letter?
I would have liked to tell you more but my word count is already up there, risking rejection by a glance.
So please, we have strained the alphabet enough. Can’t wait to hear from you, I can tell your as eager about this as I am.
Yours (not in an over friendly, not in an unfriendly way)
666 sold my soul dr.